It's been a crazy summer.

Well there's so much to tell you but so little time. How are you all? We're pretty good apart from nasty cold that's been going throgh the family and a few other struggles.

Our Trans journey proceeds slowly and seemingly smoothly but the emotions are still mixed on my end. Still, we continue to love and care each other the best we can and solve the problems together as they arise.

I'll write more as soon as I can.

Elizabeth

I've missed you

Things are pretty good still for us. We're trying to come up with a long term plan of 'coming out'. Or not. For now it seems alright to live a double life of being a girl at home and dressing like a man for work and church. But I'm not sure how long that's going to be mentally manageable. Not that my husband isn't amazing, and he says he's been dressing as a man for 60years so he has a bit of practice, but I wonder if the yearning to dress full time will get stronger.

I'm sorry I haven't written very much. I've been writing to an online magazine and trying to keep up with my other responsibilities at the farm and writing for my other blog. I'm a bit over stretched at the moment.

Hope you're all having a great summer. What have you been up to?

Dark & Stormy Outside but Calm and Loving Indoors

It's been an interesting week. Our kids who live on the other side of this vast country, send a list of questions so now my beloved husband is trying to come up with the best answers for them. I think by the time he's all done it will involve movies, a power point presentation, and photos. Yikes! When nerds run amok! The list asked the usual questions but also ones about our relationship including 'define your relationship with Liz'. Talk about direct. They seem to think the two options in that regard are lesbian sex or having a platonic relationship. I think we need to set them straight without giving too many details. No kid wants to believe their parents still enjoy a healthy sex life do they?

Another interesting question was 'Are you leaving the church?' It's interesting because while we're members of a conservative religion that has a bad reputation for discrimination against gay people, it's largely unfounded. We preach and really try to live love and kindness towards all God's children. But of course there's always the small minority who make the rest of us look bad. On one of the LDS (yes, we're Mormons) websites there's a great quote from an Apostle, a senior leader in the Church where in he states   "As a church, nobody should be more loving and compassionate. Let us be at the forefront in terms of expressing love, compassion and outreach. Let’s not have families exclude or be disrespectful of those who choose a different lifestyle as a result of their feelings about their own gender." Quentin L. Cook

For me that sums up the official position, that we should love all of God's children. But of course we're all human and so we have to deal with misconceptions, bigotry, hatred, fear, and all manner or persecution if we're different. It's time to change that and be more loving and tolerant. I'm dozing off here so I'll write again soon.

Jealousy

I think I am jealous of my husband's new exciting life. How messed up is that?

I think this is one of those days when I'm conflicted about things and need a friend to talk to. Oh that's right... I can't tell anyone because it's a secret. Sigh. Yep, definitely one of the sucky days when I think of the cross dresser phase as 'the good old days'. Life was certainly less complicated. Now I'm thinking of the cute new clothes, exciting hairstyles, friends and group he's a member of, and I wish there was something exciting in my life. Everything I have just seems like work and no fun. Maybe it's PMS.

Well, I did say I'd share the ups and downs. It's not really that bad and I'll survive. Just missing him/her I guess. And confused which pronouns to use because of the constant switching back and forth and old habits. I've spent the better part of a decade saying 'he' and it's hard to switch.

On a bright note, our eldest 2 children (and spouses I'm sure) now know and are cool with it. We told them while chatting on Father's Day. Of course saying you're cool and then seeing your Dad in a dress are two very different things, but the doors of communication are wide open which is fantastic! And he does look damned cute in a dress or skirt! I think it's time we went on a vacation to see our grandkids soon though, and in the meantime we've told them to ask us any questions. I love them they're all great kids, we really are SO BLESSED!

Twas a Dark and Stormy Night

It's just about 4am on a wet and windy night as I pen this. Which somehow seems appropriate as the weather matches my mood and yet is still useful watering all my veggies in the garden. How are you? Things are going ok with us. Not spectacular but ok. I've just had a few disappointments over the past few days. 

A friend of mine in the community has had to back off due to some internal/external struggles and I find myself strangely sad, mourning the loss of a friend found and gone so quickly. It's weird. I got rather attached which doesn't usually happen so fast. I make friends slowly as a general rule. Am I so desperate for a friend who understands that I'm changing who I am? I don't think so. I think this one is just special. She's so helpful and easy to talk to and it's comforting to know you're not alone isn't it? Hopefully things will work out in the end but I do understand her need for self examination and doing what she feels is best for her family. I'll just miss her in the meantime.

Telling my Dad this past week went ok but also not as expected. He didn't freak out or make a scene, but it's the quiet broodiness that unnerves me more. I know my Dad. Very well. Quiet is never good because it means he's caught up inside his own head thinking about everything. He'll eventually work out his position on the 'problem' but it would be nice in the meantime to just talk about it and answer questions. Maybe that's the genetic girl in me that says 'let's talk about it'. I don't know. But I wish he could really understand that I'm doing ok and our family is ok with this too. Having a husband who cross dresses or is trans gender isn't the end of our relationship, it's merely a huge bump on the road of our life together. And together we'll work it all out.

I feel torn between supporting a spouse whom I love deeply and understanding that my father doesn't want this pushed in his face. That would never happen because my husband isn't that kind of a person to begin with, and though he has come more out of his shell, the inner core of who he is remains the same, only version 2.0 He's not going to be swinging in the treetops in a pink tutu any time soon. How do I get my Dad to see that? He wants to remain in denial and if he won't see us in our normal everyday life he won't know that what we're saying about being ok is true. He says it's about respecting him and his feelings, but what about the need to respect my husband who works hard to love and support his family? This is OUR home, and he should be allowed to do or wear whatever he wants as long as it's not immoral or illegal. I think only time is going to work this one out. Balancing the needs of 2 people you love is difficult when they conflict but I'm hoping that as time goes on and my father sees that we're happy, he'll come around. He says it's 'guys his age' that are set in their ways but honestly my husband is almost the same age and he's not like that. Even my Dad's best friend who lives near us knows the situation, and he's fine with it. In fact he had the most brilliant suggestion as a compromise. Kilts. He said we should celebrate our Scottish heritage and wear kilts because then my husband gets to wear a skirt and my father couldn't complain it's not appropriate clothing for a man. 

Hmmm, random thought. I wonder if Prince Charles is a cross dresser? He wears kilts a lot. LOL Oh the places my brain goes some days! But anyways... the birds have begun their morning chorus so I should get going and dream about men in kilts for an hour before I have to get up and do chores. You can't tell me it's a bad look, even Liam Neeson can pull it off lol. Hope you're all doing well and enjoying life. If you're not, please remember that you're not alone and there are plenty of out out there who understand a little of what you're going through. And if you believe in God then this isn't the time to give up on Him either.

Telling my Dad

I was hoping to write and let you know how smoothly everything had gone telling our parents. But alas, the road is never without a few bumps. Telling my lesbian mums that my husband is transgender was easy and they've embraced her in a 'welcome to the club, let us buy you a beer' sort of way. Ok, good. How hard could it be to tell my dad and stepmum? Well, actually way harder because I actually LIKE my dad and respect his opinion. Picture this... he's an English, early 60's, ex-military/cop and very traditional. He's an old school 'put on a sweater if you're cold...finish the food on your plate' sort of guy. He's mellowed since he married my stepmum though, she's lovely.

So I sent an email to them telling them that my husband is transgender and explaining that as a family we're fine, that the kids had taken the news with barely a batt of an eyelash and that we're okay as a couple. That they don't need to worry because we're really all ok.

And then the silence.          No reply.            Nothing.

For a guy that works on the computer all day for work I know he's read my email and is now just ignoring me. And the silence was driving me crazy! I'm a bit of an over-thinker I guess so I'm imagining the worst. Maybe he had a heart attack and died of shock? Maybe he's not going to talk to me again. Maybe he's mad at my husband. Maybe he's going to cancel his visit.

I finally gave up after 24 hours and sent a quick email confirming that he'd gotten the original expose and did he have any questions. And a reply came back saying he needed to discuss with his wife. K was right when she told me that some people need time to process. I have to be patient and let him come to me when he's ready. But it's so weird because I'm used to my dad being the guy who has it all together and me asking questions, not the other way round.

So the long and short of it, is that we have a phone call (cue ominous music) scheduled for later today when we can talk uninterrupted. I'll report back and let you know how it goes, and in the meantime I'll try and not overthink things and get myself all worried for what may turn out to be nothing more than a storm in an hourglass.

Decide - Free verse because I can.

When it comes down to it, we all have to make our own choices and live our own lives. We can't blame others for the way our lives turn out because we followed them and did what they said. In abdicating our will to theirs we made a decision to follow them. Wake up! And start living your own life. Learn, grow, make mistakes, learn more and be true to yourself.

We're all going to die.

We don't get much say over when or where, but we do get to decide how we're going to live.
So, do it. Decide. For yourself, decide.
Is that the life you really want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? Gentler? Can you be more compassionate? Decide.

Breathe in, breathe out and decide.

The Silence is Deafening

So far telling our family about my husband being transgender has been a breeze. Although I wonder if I'm a bit in denial about the whole thing and maybe it hasn't quite sunk in. How could it go this smoothly? Well, I've hit a giant pothole in the road. With a visit from my Dad and step-mum coming up this summer we thought it reasonable to let my parents know ahead of time. My dad is remarried to a wonderful lady we all love, and my mother is married to a woman as well. For someone who had serious issues with her mother, I've sure got a lot of them!! So after procrastinating for a while I finally sat down early this morning and wrote to my dad and step-mum. I expressed my love for them, for my family and especially for my husband. I explained that this didn't change the love for each other and that we're okay as a family. We're doing good and they don't need to worry about us. I hit send and I waited. And I waited. I noticed the email bounced to my stepmum and so I emailed dad and he sent me her new email address. But no answer to the original email. Is this normal? Am I over thinking the whole thing? AAARRGHHHH! It's driving me crazy! I love my Dad, and I guess in some way I want his approval and understanding. He's our most loving and caring parent and I don't want to lose him. How do people deal with this? The not knowing is killing me. I think I need some chocolate. Or pepsi. Or both.

Post Weekend Slump

It's a cool and wet Monday morning. I've just gotten back from seeing my specialist at the hospital and now I'm ready to crack on and do ... nothing. I'd really just rather cuddle up with a blanket and read a good book. It's not very warm in here and the fact that we've got one of the livingroom windows stuck open isn't helping, lol.  #2 son just used his big rugby muscles to force it 2/3 of the way down so that's a definite improvement. Yay for hungry teenagers who come in the house looking for food! He fixed the window, I fixed a veggie chili. We're both happy.

We are in the middle of planting and waiting for the weather to warm up a little more so our summer crops can go into the ground. I've still got turnips, parsnips, beans, peas, corn, squash, carrots and sweet potatoes to go in the ground in the next few weeks. Plus more herbs to re-pot for the herb garden and for sale. We knew it was going to be wet and cold for a few days so we dug trenches ahead of time and now we can still plant the potatoes, just covering them with earth using a rake. I've got some stray raspberries that could also go into a trench the same way once we get them later. But apart from that I think it's going to be a writing day.

Our family is doing fine. We had a busy weekend and nothing exciting happened. I still haven't told my Dad about the CD/Trans thing yet. I don't know if I'm subconsciously avoiding it or what but I always forget or am too busy. I really should get that done today. I just don't really know what to say.

Hope you all had a terrific weekend.

Elizabeth

The Importance of Date Night

My husband (who works out of town) comes home for the weekends so Fridays are always a good day because I'm obviously happy to see him. There's also the last minute scramble to get the laundry done, the kitchen scrubbed and a nice supper made unless we're going out. Date night for us is usually Friday and we often go out for a cheap supper and do something fun or just take some time away from the stresses of family life. Don't get me wrong... we love our children. But having time as a couple to renew your friendship and remember why you married this person in the first place are important. We made a commitment before we ever got married that Friday would be our date night and we've stuck with that pretty faithfully for years and the kids all know it's make your own supper night.

There have been times before and during our married life where we've not had a lot of money. So we've had dates eating a sandwich on the beach, eating a $1 cheeseburger while parked in a rest area and staring up the hill towards our house (the kids were younger and we figured we'd make it home before the fire trucks), we even managed to get some privacy for a year by telling the kids we were going out and then sneaking the laptop into our travel trailer and just watching movies together for a couple of hours while parked in our own driveway. Those were great because it saved gas :)

The point is, that no matter what you do, spending time regularly to re-connect and just hang out as friends is vitally important. We do get to chat with each other every day on Facebook and by text but it's not the same as just strolling around the mall, having supper, hanging out with friends or just sitting and talking face to face. It doesn't have to be a fancy date, but what it does need is to be a regular priority. Sometimes being here with the kids all week makes me feel like a part-time single parent and it's tough having teens.  I personally feel like our date nights have saved my sanity some weeks. Those are the days when my husband comes home and I meet him at the door with one simple phrase 'take me out of here!' Another good clue would be hanging a sign above the door that says

You my think that having date night is something you don't need because you've been married for years, your kids are grown so you don't need romance, or perhaps you think the whole idea is silly because you see each other all the time anyways. But I won't give it up as long as I have a spouse I want to continue to build a relationship with. I need it. It's the little things like date night that have helped us stay in love and remember why we got together in the first place. It's the relaxed companionship and the silly jokes you both laugh at. Long after the kids have grown and left we'll still have each other and I don't want to get to the point where I'm staring across the breakfast table and thinking 'I have no idea who you are anymore'.

Date night has been a good time for us to talk about cross dressing and transitioning without the kids being able to interrupt us so it's kept the lines of communication open. Especially at the beginning when I'd actually drive into the city once a week so we had some extra face to face time, and I think it was helpful for me personally. I highly recommend starting a regular date night if you don't already. And if you ever find yourself in the Annapolis Valley of Nova Scotia on a Friday night...look us up! Friends are always welcome to join us and we'd really enjoy the company.

Should You Tell Your Wife About Your Cross Dressing?

Our trees are starting to bloom.

 Happy Thursday! Well so far it's a good day. It's cooler outside so sleeping this morning was way more pleasant. We got a lot of planting and tilling done so the potatoes will be finished planting tomorrow and we can get on with some other crops. Life is always busy in the Spring as we plant our veggies and hope for a good harvest. The whole valley where we live is scented with the apple blossom perfume right now from the orchards and all the wild trees. Even the dandelions are gorgeous. It's lovely to take a full breath and enjoy Spring.

So down to the nitty gritty.

 I want to ask you some questions, and I'd love some feedback because I'm going to have to write this from my own perspective with a few comments from friends. Maybe in a year I'll feel differently but as of this date this is a pretty accurate representation of my thoughts. I am learning so much from my friends though, thanks for the support, hugs to you all.

1. Should you tell your wife about your Cross Dressing?  YES   But I respect that it's entirely a personal decision and could have some amazing positive benefits but just as equally negative ones.

2. Should you try it out for a little while and see how it goes before telling your wife?

NO...Maybe. It depends. Does 'a little while' mean a week? A month?  Or will it turn into 25 years? See question above. If, however, you are trying to work out your feelings on this subject I still think it's ok to give yourself a couple of weeks to figure out the basics but after that it's best to let her know you're exploring this and do do it together. I think it would feel like a betrayal of trust to find out your husband cross dressed after he'd been doing it behind your back for a while. Better sooner than later.

3. Isn't it a good thing to have secrets in a marriage?

NO  Except things like birthday presents and personal time while you poop, those you can keep to yourself :P  Can you think of any exceptions? I know some people try to shelter their spouse from financial concerns or work related stress. But those are important aspects of your life that you can and should be honest about in order to receive support for the stress and work together on the financial aspects of your relationship. Keeping one person in the dark about these things isn't good in the long term for either of you. When you have honesty in a marriage it just seems to be easier to communicate about everything and when you're accepting of yourself and your spouse it gives you both room to grow.

4. At what point in a relationship should you tell your significant other?

What do you all think? I think that when you are getting serious enough to be considering making this a permanent thing whether that means moving in or getting engaged. You have to disclose who you really are, without the rosy glasses of new found love, so that you can both make an informed decision. I think that if you truly love someone there's an inherent level of respect and respecting someone means you'd let them know who you are so they have the opportunity to love the whole you. Wouldn't you want to know all about them too? Of course as a relationship deepens and matures you discover new things about yourself and if you already have good communication it's easier to share these parts of yourself you need or want to explore. Our identities are fluid, we change our interests, tastes in food and our beliefs over our lifetimes.

5. It's too late. I have been dressing for years and now it's too late to tell her, isn't it? 

I admit that I really could use your help on this so please comment below. I haven't had any direct personal experience with this.  I can see that if you've been keeping this a secret for many years, that suddenly telling your wife is going to elicit a strong range of emotions including fear, anger, betrayal and sadness. And those are just from her. Throw in your resentment, fear, trepidation etc. and that's a potent mix for disaster. We've all read and heard stories about wives who leave, the number is staggering. But maybe it's not actually just because of the CD, maybe there are other factors and so the CD becomes the catalyst for a change. Let's be honest, if you haven't shared this part of your life with her, what other secrets are you both keeping? What else aren't you talking about?

6. Okay I've decided to tell her. What's the best way?

After the rain, the sun.

Gently, and with great love and care. I'm making the assumption that if you're trusting her enough with this secret side of you, that you love her deeply. If you look up this question online I'm sure that there are lots of examples and advice. But I'm going to tell you from my personal experience. My husband told me quite early on in the process, within the first few weeks. We sat down just the two of us for a talk. I don't actually remember the details but I do remember being absolutely gobsmacked, and the shock and the emotions that followed. It wasn't pretty for me. I cried a lot for a couple of days and felt generally heartbroken. I asked lots of quetions, sometimes several times over. I wasn't mad really, more scared and adrift. I felt like my life had been turned upside down and I was worried that this meant he didn't love me any more and was going to leave me (my first husband left and I didn't want that to happen again).  Or perhaps he was gay, or maybe I'd done something wrong as a wife...I'm sure you've all heard these things, they seem fairly common. I think the scariest part of the whole thing was that I wasn't sure where I fit in any more and that I felt un-feminine and like I was losing my best friend. In many ways this last 6 months has been a grieving process for what might have been, the dream of the 'normal life'. The stages have certainly been very similar to grief for me at least. 

A friend on one of the forums I'm a member of told me this from his perspective. "From experience, I bet he was more scared than you. After all he had no idea how you would react.  Would you scream at him, call him names, threaten to leave him, throw him out the house, threaten to ridicule him in front of his friends and family, divorce him and take the children away.  Believe me, it takes a great deal of courage and trust for someone to tell their partners about their dressing."

And they're right. I guess many women do react those ways and it's a huge chance you take that in order to be yourself you run the risk of losing everything you hold dear. Do you know what helped me? The fact that my husband let me ask a ton of questions and patiently answered them best he could. Obviously I was very insecure at that point, I still am some days, but he was very loving and reassuring. Yes fellas, sincerely loving your partner and having good sex go a long way to making a woman feel more loved and secure. I'd say that's doubly true for us middle-aged women in the middle of raising a family or facing retirement. He puts up with the fact that as my mood changes I sometimes wish for the 'carefree days before CD complicated our lives'. And now I'm beginning to realize the extent that he gives up for me so that we can appear as a "perfectly normal family". Oh if only people knew!! LOL

Seeing if from the cross dressers perspective really does put the whole thing into a different light. And they also need to think carefully about how their wife is going to feel and do whatever they can to mitigate the damage. Extra notes of appreciation, loving, kind words, sincerity, and being your genuine self all go a long way. But that's just my opinion. What do you guys think?

Yes M, the genie's out of the bottle.

Honestly the more I learn and come to accept, the more I can see that there's a huge variation in the ways that people express themselves. And cross dressers aren't any different. We're all human. We're all just messed up in different ways from each other. And we all feel things differently. I can only tell you what is working for us on a day to day basis. And so far I think we're doing alright. We've made a few friends online and in real life. I have people I can ask questions if it gets overwhelming and they are loving, kind and really help me to get a grip again. But also our communication as a couple seems better. 

Some of us were talking online about the highs and lows so I asked my husband what his happiest and saddest moments so far were and he said this:

"I think my happiest moment is after we told the kids because it meant I didn't have to hide that part of my life from them and that I was able to dress comfortably around the house.
The saddest moments I think are when I have to revert to male mode just to avoid confrontation with probably unsympathetic people."

Well there's thunder rumbling through the valley and the rain is starting. It's past midnight so time for bed. Thanks to all my friends for your loving support.

Elizabeth

Symbols

Eddie Izzard does a great comedy sketch about flags and how the British colonized the world by planting their flag in other countries regardless of who was there first. It's actually hilarious (and sadly a little bit true).  But people through all recorded time have used symbols to identify themselves as groups and as individuals. Think about your own life. Do you support a sports team,? Go Flames! lol Because they brand colours and logos. Does you family have a distinct name or clan affiliation? How about identifying yourself based on your occupation, religion, or hobby? We all do things that bring us together in small groups and communities and we represent our membership with flags or other colourful things. Even us farmers get in on the act with our Dickies and John Deere green ball caps. lol

If you're part of a minority group then having a symbol to rally around can be community strengthening. Like the gay pride rainbow flag we're all familiar with. Cross Dressers and the trans community uses a few different ones. The most common are the pink, blue, white flag which I love because it hangs the right way no matter which way up you put it :)  and the trans Israel symbol showing the combination of the male and female symbols. Very cool and well thought out.

Personally though I think the symbol should be a dragonfly. And not just because I have an awesome dragonfly henna tattoo right now. Dragonflies are sort of my thing. So much so that in addition to selling fruits and veggies we also make and sell swarovski crystal dragonfly sun catchers. Let me tell you the story behind these unique crystal creations.

The Dragonfly is a very simple yet symbolic and mystical creature, epitomizing the ever changing world around us. Starting its life under water as a humble beetle and then scrambling out of its watery beginnings to transform into a beautiful creature that swoops and glides through the air on the frailest transparent wings that glow with ever-changing color in the sunlight. Not unlike the struggles that face each one of us every day.

I see many of my CD and trans friends are like this too. After lots of struggle they absolutely bloom in their new found freedom of self expression. I wish society could see how amazing they are. Instead society wants everyone to be butterflies, eating and consuming then lying around before coming out with shiny wings that flop all over the place when they fly. Don't get me wrong butterflies are ok, but the Dragonfly is awesome. 

On a personal note, we're doing ok. Rachael is away for work right now and will be home tonight. It'll give us a chance to get some chores done and to talk about her observations from the CD Club meeting she went to this past Monday. Chatting online is one thing but actually talking face to face is another. You communicate so many things non-verbally. I've noticed that with people who cross dress or cross act, that there's a definite level of comfort and openness in those who are fully dressed and acting as their femme selves. They tend to be more open, modulate their voices and even blink more. Small things but they make passing easier and it seems to me that communication is better too.

A couple of months ago I was at the dentist with one of the girls and sat opposite a nice trans lady who was very uncomfortable being there it seemed. She was waiting for her daughter. I saw her again today in Walmart so she must be local. I wonder if she is actually trans or CD. I mean I'm not exactly going to ask and it's none of my business. But like my friend Emma, (I'll just call her Emm for short if that's ok) I wish there was a way of being able to recognize each other out in public and to be recognized.  This lady has a mix of feminine attributes and masculine, I've only had the opportunity to observe closely because we had that time in the dentist waiting room. I wonder how many others I'm missing.  Maybe we need a secret phrase or handshake after all Emm! 

I feel a bit stuck between two worlds at the moment. On the one hand I have the church, right wing conservative, community volunteer, family raising side of my life and on the other is this amazing sub-culture that almost feels like a guilty pleasure. It's a hard balancing act. Is this how cross dressers feel? Caught between two worlds?

You are Not Alone

I know we use the term 'Cross Dressing' or CD for short but a friend of mine describes it as being more like acting a part. He transforms himself from his masculine self to his femme alter ego and acts as a woman. He dresses, does his hair and make-up, pads and changes his voice to become 'her'. She's immersed in the role and really does become Emma*. So I love the term 'Cross Acting' that she uses to describe herself. This is a secure, masculine, hetero man who simply loves to show an outward expression to his soft and feminine inner feelings.

Cross dressers like my friends Emma, Rachael, Jim, Charlie* are just your average guys if you walked down the street. Well you know what, actually they're not typical if you really look closer. They're all quite above averagely intelligent, respected people in their fields, middle aged, honourable men who do volunteer work and have raised successful families where the kids feel loved and who love and care about their wives. I guess that by today's standards it makes them so much better than average.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent

I know cross dressers who are teachers, senior research scientists, military, pilots, plumbers, electricians, you name it and I'm sure there's someone out there. They come from all religions, races, cultures and socio-economic backgrounds. Many are married, I'd say that most actually were married at one point but due to various conflicts with their spouse which may or may not be related to their CD, about half are now single. Of the 50% who are married I would guesstimate that perhaps 20% of those wives know and are ok with it to some limited extent. Now that's just my guessing based on my friends and what I've read on the forums. If we take the most conservative estimates that say 1% of people CD that means in my town of 7000 people there would be 70 other CD'ers, 35 of whom are married currently and approx. 7 wives that know about it. Translate that to a small city of 500,000 people and suddenly it's 5000 CD'ers,  2500 marriages, 500 wives who know. Does that make you feel a little less lonely? You are NOT the only one dealing with this, you're probably just the only one you think you know.

And just to blow your mind a little, the estimates of how many people there truly are range upwards to 10% of the general population though it's quite readily accepted that it could be closer to 5%. Which would mean that for a city of a half million people you'd have:

25,000  Cross Dressers
12,500  Marriages
 2,500   Wives who know or will find out.

Did that sink in? In a small city there could be around 2500 other wives all keeping this secret. You most certainly are NOT alone. So why aren't we meeting and talking about this? How come in a city this size there's a CD support group and only 7 people come to meetings? The problem is that due to social stigma, shame, revulsion, or all the other feelings people have about something that's different, nobody ever connects so we all stay isolated, scared and alone. We should be supporting each other and lifting the taboo about being a cross dresser and a cross dressers wife. You have done nothing to be ashamed of, and probably they haven't either if they've been honest with you. But even if you've found out and they've been lying to you for years (it's probably the most common scenario) you still have nothing that you need to feel bad about.

When you have an earth shattering event like this in your life it's natural to want to curl up in a ball, lick your wounds and ask yourself 'why me?' We have all done it. And the emotional roller coaster that follows can take a long time to even out. Just when you think you've come to terms with things and are getting comfortable again something happens and the ride begins again. At least that is how it's been for me. I think the worst part is that these people we love, our Cross Dressing husbands, often don't really understand this whole thing either. I know for me it's frustrating because I just want an answer so I can figure out where I fit into the whole picture but if it's constantly changing it's impossible to know with any degree of certainty where things will end up.

I recommend that if your life is in turmoil that you at least have a couple of anchor points to hold onto until the storm calms down a bit. And your anchor points should be things like your love for your spouse and/or family, your work, your belief in yourself, the understanding and support of a close friend. Then no matter what shifts in the tides and wind pull you about and threaten to drown you, you can draw strength and comfort from your supports and you can ride out the storm. Sometimes it's all you can do in life just to hold on to the basics of getting out bed, going to work and doing a good job before going home and crawling back into bed.  Hang in there, things will get better.

This is why I started the blog. So I could work out my own feelings and find other people out there like myself so we can support each other.  In a harbour you'll often see the boats tied to the dock but also with bumpers between them and lashed together in bad weather. They provide stability during rough seas. And we can do that for each other too. Provide stability and act as a buffer for when the really big waves come.

I find it hard sometimes to talk to my husband about all of this. I think it's because he's the reason or at least the catalyst for these changes in my life and I don't like them all. How do you talk about your needs not being met with the person you feel is neglecting you? It's really hard. But having the friends online and people in the forums who leave helpful comments has really been great for me. The most helpful advice has always come from my friends who are actually cross dressers themselves. They understand some of my fears, they've been where I'm at now, and they are genuinely interested in helping out if they can. God Bless Them All!

Note to self: questions wives ask themselves, why CDers don't tell their wives.

Interesting Firsts

The past couple of weeks have been eye opening. We made a great new friend, and potentially lost her too because her wife doesn't understand the cross acting that her husband likes to do. I don't know the intimate details of their marriage so I can't comment, except to say that I'm very sad she won't be able to hang out or go to the local CD club in Halifax with us, at least not for now. Maybe things will change. There's a CD Club meeting tonight and Rachael is going by herself. I'll let you know her thoughts and observations. It sounds like it should be an interesting discussion on the variations within the CD community and the origins and history of this pastime.

Rachael and I had the opportunity to be in Halifax this past weekend so we stopped into the madhouse that is Costco. Picked up a few groceries, went for lunch, used the ladies bathroom for the first time. She was all dressed and it was quiet so a good time to break the ice. I know that she has the legal right in Canada to use the ladies bathroom but you never know who's going to have an issue with it right? Well there really were no worries in that regard. Her observation... it smells better, lol. And she thought she looked really cute and kept staring at herself in the mirror. Maybe I need more mirrors at home for her.

It was the first time one of our sons has seen his dad dressed as Rachael. Although he knew about it, he'd only seen pics. And it was good because I forgot this was his first time seeing Rachael 'live and in person' and he didn't bat an eyelash.  Such a relief. Just some parents and our eldest kids to tell and then the big hurdles are done.

I say the big hurdles are done but Rachael has decided to not come out at work or church for many well considered reasons. This may change in the future but for now she's ok feeling liberated at least a good portion of the time and staying in sort of an androgynous mode when needed.It's her choice and I respect her reasons.

As for how I'm doing. I guess my feelings are in a bit of a holding pattern. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm so busy with life at the moment that there's not a lot of time for introspection. I have my down days when I wish life could be like it was before, but then I realize that my husband wasn't truly happy and so I owe it to him to let him be himself. He does so much to love and support our family. I need to show my appreciation by accepting the true person inside, whomever that may be. My issues are just those...MY issues, and I need to work on them.

Welcome

Help! I just found out my husband is a cross dresser, what do I do now?

Does this sound familiar? Well in 2014 that was me. Hi. My name is Elizabeth. I'm a middle aged mother of several, a grandmother and active in my church. I live in rural Canada and love it. I found out my husband was a cross dresser because my husband told me and not because I caught him dressed up in my clothes. But one thing I've learned is that the emotions we go through once we find out are universal, no matter how you find out. How we deal with them is very individual though. That part is up to you.

I'm at a good place in my life now, even though this is still fairly recent, so I decided that I'd start this blog and hopefully give myself an opportunity to learn, grow and work things out on paper so-to-speak. I hope you find something useful too. And please feel free to message me if you want to chat. There are some good online forums too if you search them out. I will say that although there are some forums that seem dedicated to photos I'd rather not see, there are some really wonderful people out there on the internet, people just like you and I, and they can be very supportive and also instructive. I've learned a lot thanks to them and I will forever be in their debt.


I'll have more info on here soon.In the meantime please feel free to leave me a comment if you'd like to chat and I'll try to check back weekly and post regularly.